a cloud is a cloud is a cloud

she stood up and walked to the opposite end of the train. <img src="https://pro2-bar.myportfolio.com/v1/assets/65888eee-5e46-4f85-a67e-6c6a4c2c32c0/b34655ae-de21-4a77-90ea-b99cd86b881e_rw_1200.png?h=0cc904c9abcf8d32f93d6dee9cdfa337" width="500" height="300"> we got off at the same stop and [[her face clouded over]] with concern before the questions came like hail, hard and cold and brittle. <img src="https://pro2-bar.myportfolio.com/v1/assets/65888eee-5e46-4f85-a67e-6c6a4c2c32c0/d50058da-64f7-45d9-9eff-b4a5c0138fec_rw_1200.png?h=83e577c14626b61eb57a67c2847d9fed" width="500" height="300"> at the ma on shan platform i repeated to myself, "stupid stupid stupid" for thinking it could've gone any other way.

train of thought trained behavior i came out to my mother in a [[half-full train car]] <img src="https://pro2-bar.myportfolio.com/v1/assets/65888eee-5e46-4f85-a67e-6c6a4c2c32c0/1e3c24e5-44de-4c3c-ae85-a8983b43bfc7_rw_1200.png?h=185a6f81cb6054aad28fe4c495aee7ac" width="500" height="300">

clouded over cloud computing clouded vision [[a cloud is a cloud is a cloud]]

when we say we feel as light as a cloud we don't often mean that we feel the heaviness of 1.1 million pounds — the average weight of a cumulus cloud. <img src="https://pro2-bar.myportfolio.com/v1/assets/65888eee-5e46-4f85-a67e-6c6a4c2c32c0/b9bb3645-4879-4969-a982-82e0f208be21_rw_1200.png?h=24c3e2f7d44a57cbb1cf64596386f933" width="500" height="300"> we say a lot of things we don't [[mean]].

as an adjective, mean is cruel or unkind. in mathematics, mean is a calculated average. to mean something is to [[signify]] something. we have categories for these somethings and their meanings. they shift with speakers, hearers, phrases, [[sentences]]

signifier + signified = sign The signifier — which has a physical existence — carries the meaning. This is the sign as we perceive it: the marks on the paper or the sounds in the air. The signified is a mental concept that is the meaning. <img src="https://pro2-bar.myportfolio.com/v1/assets/65888eee-5e46-4f85-a67e-6c6a4c2c32c0/4bb40b77-fe4d-4907-b6cb-d31c3ccc42f5_rw_1200.png?h=6a0fe35a0cfaab72d40b5f903d2b5d9b" width="500" height="300"> The sign is the associative total of the two: we speak of it as a signifying construct. [[Signs]] are common to all members of the same culture who share the same language.

but common signs hold different meanings, weights, histories, images [[a cloud is a cloud is a cloud]] [[a dyke is a dyke is a dyke]] [[a train is a train is a train]]

dyke can traced as a derivative of the late 17th century term "bulldyke," the middle english "falsehood" for bull and dick — "false man." a similar term, bulldagger, was used in this context as early as 1348. dyke was reclaimed by the lesbian community in the 1970s. ((note to self: barbara hammer's "dyketastics" as lesbian didactic film)) man-made dykes are called levees or floodbanks. <img src="https://pro2-bar.myportfolio.com/v1/assets/65888eee-5e46-4f85-a67e-6c6a4c2c32c0/e91d87f6-a100-4fe1-ac23-cc9892e10ac9_rw_1200.png?h=35239bdbdac24a466e0c3d7c716c5d1e" width="500" height="300"> in geology, [[dykes are abberations]].

dykes are sheets of rock that form in fractures of rock bodies. magmatic dykes form when magma flows into the crack and solidifies as a sheet intrusion. clastic dykes form when sediment fills a pre-existing crack. <img src="https://pro2-bar.myportfolio.com/v1/assets/65888eee-5e46-4f85-a67e-6c6a4c2c32c0/df147372-a63a-4b26-b9d2-7b55a03bbbe3_rw_1200.png?h=a399e5d14b17f0972d22e8e1646eb548" width="500" height="300"> i think i had a fracture that queer love filled. maybe it was pre-existing. this thing i hated about myself that i then [[loved]] after tracing the rocky cracks of myself like kintsugi golden faultlines. ((note to self,, dyke march, community... hmm))

isolated words are abstractions. syntax gives them homes, gives them clarity, gives them meaning. a [[gift]] is a gift is a gift

what's gifted to you? (what's given to you?) what's gifted to you? (what does the action of receiving something mean to you?) what's gifted to you? (what do you think is an innate ability?) <img src="https://pro2-bar.myportfolio.com/v1/assets/65888eee-5e46-4f85-a67e-6c6a4c2c32c0/f2a0e81e-c3d2-46aa-a989-5cfa8e3a4864_rw_1200.png?h=f9b19a0f7920950fcf83b59889832986" width="500" height="350"> i knew my mother loved me when she bought me gluten free soy sauce for my partner who had celiac disease. a gift is given willingly. i used to think her love was God-given and unconditional, but i have come to learn that there will always be conditions and contexts and contradictions. we can love the sounds of words we don't know and we can love people without understanding them. but feeling understood feels like being [[loved]], i think.

language denotes more or less fixed points, certain averages, for what we mean. no two people will picture the same cloud when asked to imagine one. the word recalls different images, memories, connotations, weights, meanings. it doesn't have to [[signify]] anything, but it can. ((note to self,, cumulo, strato, cirri as roots?? too straightforward/complicated))